This Difficult Love
by Sadako- Tokumei Kibou
Summary: I never want you to turn away, and say it's over. I never want you to leave me. Walking away, you don't hear my voice. You don't see you've left me with this difficult love...


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This is only for V-day, and this is no fluffy romance. This is a joint-fic with "Hearts Apart" by Animefan581. Except, this takes place a few years later. This is an angsty fanfic in Hikari's POV. I've always wondered if Hikari ever felt regretful for taking advantage of Daisuke, even if it was just humor on the show. 

This Difficult Love

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A traitor.

That's what I am. I've lost the act of the charming, innocent girl, and have converted to this monstrous, backstabbing creature. That was a slow path that I took, and it never seemed to bother me that I'd become this way. Isn't it despicable? I didn't mind toying with my victims, and getting what I wanted as long as the attention I had satisfied me.

My victim: Motomiya Daisuke

What have I done to this boy? I now realize what horrible and terrible things I'd done to him. Isn't it typical for one to feel remorse after years of inflicting maltreatment? Why did I have to realize my wrongdoing so late?

The first time I saw Daisuke, he was a quiet boy in the corner of the classroom. He was a new student in the fourth grade at Odaiba Elementary, and he looked lonely. My heart went out to him and I decided I would be the first to welcome and befriend him. So, I had planted a seed of friendship.

I had much to learn about Daisuke, and was slightly surprised to learn that he had misinterpreted my friendliness as romantic interest. The opposite sex was so…

I could not ignore his starry-eyed look, and became uncomfortable with his growing crush. Maybe he had been my friend and then he began to like me some time later.

I only wanted to remain his friend. I needed a friend, since Takeru had moved away. Daisuke was a wonderful gift and friend. He may be a bit eccentric, but he was still loveable and a great friend.

However, Daisuke saw me through a different light. It was obvious for one to see his apparent crush on me. Perhaps even a slight obsession had begun to form… The next year, he had tried different things to win me over.

I was unimpressed, and secretly expressed my wish to remain only friends. But he did not want that. He would do anything to get me to be his girlfriend. I could not comply with that. I had my own attachment to Takeru.

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Love

What an ironic and bitter twist of fate

The ups and downs of a blissful storm

Sending raindrops of peace and sorrow

Caressing my face and making me realize

I've become a new person, transformed by this blessing

This curse

Called love

This didn't stop Daisuke from pursuing me. He was determined to find a way to change our relationship from friends to something more. Even after I had given the gist I liked Takeru, Daisuke only saw it as more motivation. Why didn't I see his true feelings for me?

I was too busy ensnaring and torturing my prey.

That's right. I had spun the web of deceit to ensnare Daisuke, my prey. I had lured him with the gift of friendship, and when he was close enough to be captured, I caught him. He could not leave; for Daisuke, I couldn't be avoided. His eyes didn't linger at other girls. The torture… The brutal torture…

Memories of such horrible treatment plagued my mind. I had bruised him with my words. I teased him and laughed at his love for me. Love! How I could be so inconsiderate to the strongest force there is?

I tore away at his heart, rejecting him and telling him off. I sliced it with my laughter and reveling in his embarrassment. I pierced his soul with the ridiculing and the fact that everyone else was on my side. I have scarred him with my cruelty.

Daisuke was always so strong and courageous, but even the mightiest warrior recedes when he knows he can't win. And so Daisuke slowly gave up on me and drifted away…

Time and time again

I want to reach out and touch you

And not feel the weight of sorrow 

On my pounding heart

I never want you to turn away

And say it's over

I never want you to leave me

Walking away, you don't hear my voice

You don't see you've left me with

This difficult love

I wish I had never acted so cruelly. This wasn't a game! This was Daisuke's heart! His _heart_! The very organ I've ripped from his chest and destroyed! I had no regrets at first. It was only a game to me. That was, until I had tasted a bit of the same medicine.

***

I am lying on my bed, my limbs sprawled lazily, and my arm draping over my face. I feel so bitter and confused inside. I had retreated to my room (which I still unfortunately share with Taichi at 16) in hopes of comfort from my current situation. 

Two days ago, I was aware that Valentine's Day was coming up, and that I needed an idea to make that day great. The day of love and bliss… If this were a fantasy, I would've thought it was those things too. But the harsh reality has settled in.

I have taken Daisuke's heart while I still loved Takeru. I have bruised his heart, but now it is this heart that I wish to caress. I don't know why I had lost interest in Takeru. Perhaps we really needed to only stay friends.

Maybe we were growing apart.

Takeru has a place in my heart; he always will, but Daisuke is the one I wish to have intimate relations with. How ironic. Only a fool would love at a time like this. Only a fool would love _me_ after what I've done. 

In the end, justice is served. 

When was it that I liked Daisuke? My first, minor attraction to him was superficial; I decided he was very good-looking. He had changed over the years, and he was so handsome. Then, I noticed other things about him. He seemed to have what Takeru lacked, but it's a mystery. Even so, I found that attractive.

He stayed by me through all these years, remaining loveable and loyal. Then…maybe then, I had to admit to myself…

Daisuke is…more than a friend to me now.

That was two years ago. For two years, I've silently longed for Daisuke in the shadows. I've cursed at myself for having these feelings for him, but over time, I accepted the fact that I was in love with him. I couldn't deny it. He was in my thoughts, my dreams, my heart, and my soul. 

However, I had yet to confess this love. 

I need you now 

To hold me and shelter me

As I linger in your arms

I also know this wasn't meant to be

Shadowing the truth

You only seek to have pity

While the tears stream down my face…

I couldn't hold in my feelings for two years, and watch him walk away everyday, not knowing how I feel for him. I had given him signs before, but he never seemed to answer. Now, I'm ready to pour my heart out to him. I will do it. I want to. I want him.

So on this Valentine's Day, I arise and look out the window to the next apartment building, where Daisuke resides. Anticipating my meeting with him causes my heart to gain speed. I also anticipate him touching me in his gentle way. He's always been gentle, even after all I've done. Now, I want to caress him too…

Is it too late to be forgiven? I hope he does forgive me, although I don't deserve his mercy. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve _anyone._ I am only fooling myself with my fantasies. 

Even after all of this, I must put aside my fears and confused thoughts. I only have one intent in mind: Declare my love for Motomiya Daisuke.

***

I step out into the cold February air, hugging myself to warm myself from the cold. The snow crunches softly under my boots as I walk across the street to the next apartment building. I feel I should've bought a gift for him, but I think my heart is the best gift for him right now. I'll get him a physical gift of homemade chocolates for White Day. (1)

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I finally arrive at the building, and ascend the flights of stairs. When I reach the floor on which Daisuke lives, I swallow my pride and fear. This was going to be hard, but I had to do it. I would hurt myself if I didn't.

My mind kept telling me to turn away. I'm only setting myself up for pain. I'm only going to hurt myself. My heart tells me to step forward, and my feet comply as well, overpowering my mind. I stop at the door and quickly rap my knuckles against it.

I pray to dear Kami that I don't mess this up. I want to make amends and comfort Daisuke for all the wounds I've given him. I've shattered his heart into a million pieces---a million pieces irreplaceable and sore. My name was written all over his heart and what do I do? I smash it…

The door opens, and all thoughts of everything else vanish as I stare at a curious Daisuke. I want to melt right here, right now. He's so damn sexy. The winter breeze sways his spiked, reddish-brown hair, which falls into those shining brown eyes I love, on his perfect face.

The smile I love is on his face too, and my eyes make a descend on his body. He's clad in a white undershirt, which I can see through. The sight of his broad, muscled chest and shoulders render me helpless. If I could only touch it… The goggles he received from Taichi hang around his neck.

He's in a pair of jeans also, but I try to keep my eyes off his lower body. I'm already blushing enough as it is.

I look up at Daisuke, shaking my head and fighting the redness in my cheeks. "D-Daisuke. Hey…"

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Baka! My inner voice scolds. _Stop stuttering and blushing!_

"Hey, Hikari," he greets, as if nothing had ever happened between us. He's changed so much…

His voice booms with deepness, yet gentleness. "What's up?"

"I need to talk to you," I manage to say calmly. I was serene; my heart didn't quicken speed. This sudden rush of serenity came from nowhere. Then again, I've always been comfortable around Daisuke…

"Okay," he replies and steps outside on the balcony with me. His profile makes me ache, and I feel I don't have time for a long talk. I had to spill it. I glance at him once, and then hang my head.

"I've been thinking about a few things, Dai-kun," I start. "A few things pertaining to you and me. I've thought about our beginning and where we've come from and where we are now. I was wrong."

"Wrong?" Daisuke questions, still curious. I nod, feeling my heart twist as I remember our childhood.

"I know we hadn't been close, and that's my fault. I pushed you away. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did years ago. It was wrong. Toying with your emotions for me was wrong, and I apologize."

My eyes catch his for a moment, as he looks away, dejected. It seemed those memories were buried in the back of his mind too. I can't read the look on his face, but I see pain reflected in his eyes.

"Yeah," he quietly says. "That really hurt, Hikari."

His voice and his expression make me want to shed the tears I promised I wouldn't let come forth. "I'm sorry," I whisper shakily. I hesitantly step closer toward him and touch his face, my fingertips brushing across his cheek.

He looks into my eyes, which is exactly what I want. "I'm really, really sorry, Dai. I wish I hadn't been so cowardly and apologize so late. If I could go back in time and fix the past, I would, because I never ever want to hurt you," I sincerely say. 

That's when I realize we're standing close, and he hasn't stepped away. Looking at his face, his understanding and beautiful face, I want to get even closer to him. I want to kiss him, but I know that's the last thing I need to do.

I gently stroke his cheek and sigh softly. "I know I teased you of your feelings for me, but I had no right to, because… I know how it is for myself now." My hand remains motionless on his face, and I lift my blushing face to his.

"I love you, Dai-kun," I whisper, and ignore reason as I lean in toward his face. My lips barely brush his, as he gently pushes me backwards. He grasps my shoulders and shakes his head, looking at me in partial shock.

"Wait…" he trails off, incredulous. He looks away for a moment and then returns his sight on me. He sighs, and I know what's coming next. I want to drop dead right now.

"Hikari-chan, it can't be this way, I'm sorry," Daisuke says, and I can tell he seems regretful. He doesn't have to be. I know what should come to me. 

He continues, "My feelings for you back then… They were real to me. You know, a boy can never become a man without a first love. However, I know what it meant to back off, and so I did. My feelings for you faded away, and I did what you wanted. I remained your friend, and I always will.

"I don't know if I can ever feel for you the way I did again, but I know that you were a special person to me, and you always will be. I love you too, Hikari, but not that way…"

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Memories flood my mind

As I see you disappear from my sight

Escape from my grasp

Leaving me with your touch

And a heart dripping with tears

This heart that is yours

Is now merely two halves

Two halves damaged and bruised

An eternal haunting 

Of your sweet touch

And of your footsteps

As you disappear

So that was it. That makes perfect sense. I understand. My mind told me **to turn away. I had set myself up for pain by my confession. I hurt myself by hearing Daisuke's words. My heart told me to step forward, but Daisuke pushed me back. **

I now experience true regret and heartbreak. I had a taste of my own medicine.

What a cruel fate I've made for myself. What a cruel person I've been to deserve this.

I close my eyes to prevent tears from falling forth. Kami, I'm such a coward. I don't deserve my Crest of Light. I close my eyes to avoid Daisuke's face. Only Kami knows what would happen if I continue to look at him. If I'm near him at all!

"I understand," I whisper, and lift my foot to step backwards. I've taken what I came for, and now I'll leave with what I deserved. I say one last thing to Daisuke before I go.

"I hope we can always be-"

My words have been cut off as I feel something warm and soft caress my lips. My heart instantly leaps at the sensation, and I'm alert to the touch of Daisuke's kiss. I hold my tingling arms in place. I can't wrap them around him. It's wrong now.

I suppress a moan, but Daisuke is a good kisser. Kami, why did I have to be such an idiot in the past?

I open my eyes slowly, reveling in the quick touch of Daisuke's lips against my own. Just when I fully opened my eyes, I see Daisuke pull away, giving me a look of understanding. There were no amorous looks on his face.

"Friends," he says with a gentle tone. He looks back at the open door of his apartment and then glances at me. "Thanks for what you've done, Hikari. I'll always remember this Valentine's Day."

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Yeah, I will too, I think, and barely make out a 'See ya' from Daisuke as I stand where I am, thoughtful, reflecting of this day and the kiss. My first kiss. A traitor's kiss…

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Time and time again

I want to reach out and touch you

And not feel the weight of sorrow 

On my pounding heart

I never want you to turn away

And say it's over

I never want you to leave me

Walking away, you don't hear my voice

You don't see you've left me with

This difficult love

Owari

A/N:

(1) White Day is a Japanese holiday that follows Valentine's Day. On V-day, the boys give the girls gifts and things, just like American boys do. White Day is one month later on March 14th. On this day, girls give boys they like white chocolates, preferably homemade. And it really means something if a girl wears a white scarf, hence the name of the holiday… I'm pretty sure this is accurate, according the DN Angel manga I read. (I love Daisuke and Dark! So cute. ^_^)

(2) This isn't a songfic, if you're wondering. I wanted to experiment a poem insert in a fanfic, and this is the result. 

(3) This isn't my first Digimon fic I wrote, but this is the first one I've posted on Fanfiction.net, so don't be too rough, all right? Make my day and R&R, if you will. ^^


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